just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
time to smoke my breakfast
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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