Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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