It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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