You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
