I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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