So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
