Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize