I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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