Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
