I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
