We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
