with your own penis?
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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