Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
