You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
