Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
