I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
