If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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