can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
