I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
