don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize