Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
