the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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