Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
