I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
