if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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