I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
