if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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