Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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