well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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