The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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