My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
