Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
