im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
