dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
