I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think i got beer on your cat.
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