I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
