moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
