She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I need moral support for this bender
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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