Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I could fuck to npr.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
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