I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
