And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
