He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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