Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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