Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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