I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
