you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
