Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
