god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
