my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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