I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Randomize
