took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
sex in a hospital.. check
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
