Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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