I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
