Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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