I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
