Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
