i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
