Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
