Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
