There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
