you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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